wait, did I really just say no? (originally posted January 12, 2009)
i'm feeling like I'm the worst grandchild ever.
My family is leaving to go back to their native country to visit my mom's mother (grandma).
She's fairly old already and feels like her time is coming near.
I've been so blessed to have spent the little time I've actually spent with her..... when I mean little, I mean not even a month total time spent together in all my life.
The last time I saw her in 2005, it was extremely hot on the islands and I was pretty much just getting sick of being mosquito buffet every day.
I ended up leaving earlier than planned and said goodbye to her. I felt like it was the last time I was going to see her. To this day, I will never be able to replace or forget the amount of love I felt in her hug and kiss that day. It was like with all the years of separation and longing to just have her grandson in her arms, it was like every muscle in her arms, every vein in her body, and every heartbeat she had was singularly focused in those few moments of her arms wrapped around me. No love can surpass one so pure.
I walked away that day, crying no doubt, but at the same time knowing that this may have been the last time I will have seen her here.
It wasn't the best of times in her life, frail and older, but it was a better time than now. She could walk and laugh. Smile at me for just sitting next to her. It was like everyday spent with her was like Christmas morning in repeat, or my birthday parties as a kid opening presents. It was like every major holiday and family gathering was emotionally being squished into each second we just sat holding hands next to each other.
Well, tomorrow, my family leaves to go see her. My family leaves to go see her while I stay here working because I don't have any more vacation days left in my schedule.
I don't know what I was thinking, but at the same time I don't think I can go back there and know that I have to say goodbye to her again.
Saying goodbye is not where I want to be or think I can be..... and yet I still ask myself, "wait, did I really just say no? did I really say no to going?"
I've been getting such mixed suggestions but one of them is always, "You're going to regret this."
Regret would only come if I regret not spending more time with her before I go. However, I don't think I can regret having her say goodbye to me one more time. I don't think it's fair to her.
As I'm starting my new year, where I know I will make this a better year than the last, I'm definitely questioning myself a bit more.
I'm definitely questioning whether or not I said no to her heart being broken one last time, or mine.
I love you, Lola. I hope you know that.
My family is leaving to go back to their native country to visit my mom's mother (grandma).
She's fairly old already and feels like her time is coming near.
I've been so blessed to have spent the little time I've actually spent with her..... when I mean little, I mean not even a month total time spent together in all my life.
The last time I saw her in 2005, it was extremely hot on the islands and I was pretty much just getting sick of being mosquito buffet every day.
I ended up leaving earlier than planned and said goodbye to her. I felt like it was the last time I was going to see her. To this day, I will never be able to replace or forget the amount of love I felt in her hug and kiss that day. It was like with all the years of separation and longing to just have her grandson in her arms, it was like every muscle in her arms, every vein in her body, and every heartbeat she had was singularly focused in those few moments of her arms wrapped around me. No love can surpass one so pure.
I walked away that day, crying no doubt, but at the same time knowing that this may have been the last time I will have seen her here.
It wasn't the best of times in her life, frail and older, but it was a better time than now. She could walk and laugh. Smile at me for just sitting next to her. It was like everyday spent with her was like Christmas morning in repeat, or my birthday parties as a kid opening presents. It was like every major holiday and family gathering was emotionally being squished into each second we just sat holding hands next to each other.
Well, tomorrow, my family leaves to go see her. My family leaves to go see her while I stay here working because I don't have any more vacation days left in my schedule.
I don't know what I was thinking, but at the same time I don't think I can go back there and know that I have to say goodbye to her again.
Saying goodbye is not where I want to be or think I can be..... and yet I still ask myself, "wait, did I really just say no? did I really say no to going?"
I've been getting such mixed suggestions but one of them is always, "You're going to regret this."
Regret would only come if I regret not spending more time with her before I go. However, I don't think I can regret having her say goodbye to me one more time. I don't think it's fair to her.
As I'm starting my new year, where I know I will make this a better year than the last, I'm definitely questioning myself a bit more.
I'm definitely questioning whether or not I said no to her heart being broken one last time, or mine.
I love you, Lola. I hope you know that.
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