don't leave me alone, I'm tired..... (originally posted January 11, 2009)
So I've been feeling really low these past couple of weeks.
It's not by any means because my life isn't perfect, because to assume that my life is perfect at 2* would be ridiculous.
I'm thinking that I'm more sad that the end of 2008 ended with distance between me and my family & friends, and then the beginning of 2009 begun with distance between me and my family & friends.
The whole, "I'm in charge of my feelings" is such a load of bull**** to me.
I get it. I get the whole I'm in charge of what I do with my life. But the most important part of living life is having family and friends to share it with.
And for the past couple of weeks with my family, and for that past couple of months with my friends (in l.a.), I've been treated like the red-headed stepchild. It's like I'm always going to be the second-runner up, the buffer-friend, the "good guy", the clutch player, the acquaintance.....
I'm so tired of being a phase. THAT'S WHAT I AM..... A PHASE.
It's like, Mark is the guy who you hang out with, get what you need and move on.
Yes there are people in your life that come and go. I just wish for once, someone wouldn't do the latter and go.
Even now, I'm sitting in my room, and I'm beginning to realize that my phone doesn't ring. I received one text from a "friend" asking if I finished a book.
Other than that, the last time anyone called and asked me to go out was probably weeks ago.
And the worst part is that they probably wouldn't have gone out with me unless I provoked it. But that's how my whole life has been, I've had to provoke everything..... so to hear that bull**** saying, " M***, you're in charge of what you want to do. If you want to be surrounded by friends, be surrounded by friends. If you want to be surrounded by family, be surrounded by family." But what if those friends and that family just doesn't exactly put you into perspective.
It's like I'm the guy you ask to help you move just because he has a truck.
I'm a person, not a trend. I'm not some piece of clothing that you wear for a couple months and then trade it in for the next best thing. I'm not that purse you carry all your personal belongings in and then once the season has change you take everything out of it and thow it into the back of the closet. Whether I carried you for weeks or months, I carried you. I 'm supposed to be that one pair of jeans or that faithful sweatshirt you never get rid of just because it feels just right, making you look good when you need to and comfortable in your own skin.
I'm not the television show like The Hills that you watch one minute then flip onto another to see Jon and Kate Plus 8 on. I'm not supposed to be some random number in your choice of entertainment that you can turn on and off, or switch during commercials. Yes, commercials are boring, but it's part of the job. You can't blame me for doing my job. When do I get to be that quality Thursday night line up show, like Friends or Will and Grace, that you watch for years, without hesitation and commitment, just because I'm that one thing that can stand for not just reliability, because I think I'm already reliable, but because I'm the one thing that you HAVE to see weekly just because you love being with them.
Look..... I'm tired of being this fly on a wall, that just watches as the rest of you enjoy the party. If I'm a wallflower, then let me be a wallflower, but a wallflower needs the love of sunshine and some attention too to grow.
I'm just tired, you guys.
I'm tired of being just SOMEONE you know.
I'm tired.
Please for once, be that brother..... parent..... shoulder...... friend..... just be SOMEONE TO ME FOR ONCE. BE THAT SOMEONE who remembers that I like something other than HSM or some musical and remember I like going to the bookstore and maybe come with me one night...... BE THAT SOMEONE that remembers that I don't like clubbing, not because I don't like it but because I ACTUALLY HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY and get weirded out by being with people I don't know and get intimidated. BE THAT SOMEONE who doesnt' care about my social anxiety and then insists I go out with you and your friends to a club anyway. BE THAT SOMEONE who you think of inviting first to a movie or Disneyland..... BE THAT SOMEONE that remembers that I'm not just a storyteller to keep you entertained with stories, but would enjoy making some stories of our own that you can tell your other acquaintances and cousins..... BE THAT SOMEONE who remembers that I sold things I loved and returned things I wanted, or gave up things I needed just so I could buy you a Christmas present and in the end would just like a phone call to go get coffee.....
PLEASE, can someone just be someone for me..... I'm tired.
It's not by any means because my life isn't perfect, because to assume that my life is perfect at 2* would be ridiculous.
I'm thinking that I'm more sad that the end of 2008 ended with distance between me and my family & friends, and then the beginning of 2009 begun with distance between me and my family & friends.
The whole, "I'm in charge of my feelings" is such a load of bull**** to me.
I get it. I get the whole I'm in charge of what I do with my life. But the most important part of living life is having family and friends to share it with.
And for the past couple of weeks with my family, and for that past couple of months with my friends (in l.a.), I've been treated like the red-headed stepchild. It's like I'm always going to be the second-runner up, the buffer-friend, the "good guy", the clutch player, the acquaintance.....
I'm so tired of being a phase. THAT'S WHAT I AM..... A PHASE.
It's like, Mark is the guy who you hang out with, get what you need and move on.
Yes there are people in your life that come and go. I just wish for once, someone wouldn't do the latter and go.
Even now, I'm sitting in my room, and I'm beginning to realize that my phone doesn't ring. I received one text from a "friend" asking if I finished a book.
Other than that, the last time anyone called and asked me to go out was probably weeks ago.
And the worst part is that they probably wouldn't have gone out with me unless I provoked it. But that's how my whole life has been, I've had to provoke everything..... so to hear that bull**** saying, " M***, you're in charge of what you want to do. If you want to be surrounded by friends, be surrounded by friends. If you want to be surrounded by family, be surrounded by family." But what if those friends and that family just doesn't exactly put you into perspective.
It's like I'm the guy you ask to help you move just because he has a truck.
I'm a person, not a trend. I'm not some piece of clothing that you wear for a couple months and then trade it in for the next best thing. I'm not that purse you carry all your personal belongings in and then once the season has change you take everything out of it and thow it into the back of the closet. Whether I carried you for weeks or months, I carried you. I 'm supposed to be that one pair of jeans or that faithful sweatshirt you never get rid of just because it feels just right, making you look good when you need to and comfortable in your own skin.
I'm not the television show like The Hills that you watch one minute then flip onto another to see Jon and Kate Plus 8 on. I'm not supposed to be some random number in your choice of entertainment that you can turn on and off, or switch during commercials. Yes, commercials are boring, but it's part of the job. You can't blame me for doing my job. When do I get to be that quality Thursday night line up show, like Friends or Will and Grace, that you watch for years, without hesitation and commitment, just because I'm that one thing that can stand for not just reliability, because I think I'm already reliable, but because I'm the one thing that you HAVE to see weekly just because you love being with them.
Look..... I'm tired of being this fly on a wall, that just watches as the rest of you enjoy the party. If I'm a wallflower, then let me be a wallflower, but a wallflower needs the love of sunshine and some attention too to grow.
I'm just tired, you guys.
I'm tired of being just SOMEONE you know.
I'm tired.
Please for once, be that brother..... parent..... shoulder...... friend..... just be SOMEONE TO ME FOR ONCE. BE THAT SOMEONE who remembers that I like something other than HSM or some musical and remember I like going to the bookstore and maybe come with me one night...... BE THAT SOMEONE that remembers that I don't like clubbing, not because I don't like it but because I ACTUALLY HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY and get weirded out by being with people I don't know and get intimidated. BE THAT SOMEONE who doesnt' care about my social anxiety and then insists I go out with you and your friends to a club anyway. BE THAT SOMEONE who you think of inviting first to a movie or Disneyland..... BE THAT SOMEONE that remembers that I'm not just a storyteller to keep you entertained with stories, but would enjoy making some stories of our own that you can tell your other acquaintances and cousins..... BE THAT SOMEONE who remembers that I sold things I loved and returned things I wanted, or gave up things I needed just so I could buy you a Christmas present and in the end would just like a phone call to go get coffee.....
PLEASE, can someone just be someone for me..... I'm tired.
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